Its okay not to be okay

Before i start this post i just wanted to say thank you to this girl i met in college 5 years ago, who today is my little sister and my daughter’s godmother. Khush, without you, I honestly dont think i’d have made it through everything I have till date. So thank you for being the best little sister ever, I love you x

Now, heres the post…

Growing up we think that bravest of all are the superheroes we see on the tv, the crime fighters, the vigilantes who fight crime and save the world. But then you grow up and suddenly bravely isnt how ppwerful your swing is or how effectively you can beat someone up. No you realise, bravery is when every fibre of your being is beckoning, crying, begging for you to give up, to just let go because you have been fighting too hard for too long- but you remind yourself you can’t and won’t. Bravery is fighting those demons inside your head and still being here  Courage isn’t about not veing scared of whats to come, it is to know, see and feel the uncertainty of whats to come and yet still do it. 

I have spent so many years being so mad and disappointed in myself every time i would break down, even recently i did this. I couldn’t help thinking I am so weak, I must be so weak to be breaking apart about things that happened in the past. But the truth is, traumatic incidents don’t just happen to us in the moment, they happen in our lives, minds and psyche. Its not the moments over, the feelings and emotions related to it are over, no, they literally rewire our psyche. Its like how if a child ever touched a hot flame, they will never do it again because of that one time they got burnt. It wires a cause and effect response, so how do we think traumas won’t ever have an effect on us after?

There will be days you will wake up feeling exhausted about it all, or there may be something that will trigger you, sometimes a stressful situation will bring back memories and feelings of the past traumas. There will be times you will break down into tears and wonder, whats the point as this still haunts me? Whats the point is this is basically what the rest of my life is going to be? Yes this thinking is unhealthy as this sounds, this is normal. It doesn’t mean you are too broken to be fixed or that you should kill yourself. It just means you’re human. You have been staying strong for so long and now you’re tired. You’re hurting.

Imagine our potential to take pain as a waterbottle. So if our waterbottle can only take one litre of water, the minute you got ever 1ml over, its spills over. The same with us humans, we have a limit of how much pain we can take before we break down, just relieve the pressure so you can start refilling your pain bottle up.

You are allowed to have days to be sad. You have had some fucked up shit happen to you, and so YOU of all people have the right to feel pain, hurt, and sadness for yourself. We have all heard ‘it gets better’, yes, i know my tomorrow will be better, but for today, i’m allowed to feel this hurt, just so long as I promise that as tomorrow I will remind myself of how far I have come since. I will remember how even though whenever life has broken me to a point I thought i’d never come back from, I  did come back, because I’m standing right here.

Recently I have been in a shaky headspace myself. I think i finally has time to sit and truly process what happened. How the one I planned my forever with, the one I loved unconditionally, abused, hurt and broke me so bad. I have sat and contemplated how pathetic I must have seemed to be begging for forgiveness for complaining about the pain after a beating. How I was threatened to be left for a simple thing like sleeping before her and I genuinely begged for her to stay, thinking I was wrong for wanting a basic human right. I have sat and thought about how much of my life, soul and psyche she has destroyed.

Months on, I still struggle to eat without permission, I have had weeks where i ate once or twice when the hunger pains kicked in. I now have gotten myself onto a one meal a day finally. I struggle to sleep alone, or without permission. How does someone get to come along, promise me the world and then beat me silly before leaving with my soul, dignity and self esteem? How and why is she allowed to live her life like nothing has happened whilst i’m over her struggling to function as a normal human being?

Its been really fucking hard, I won’t lie to you. But I won’t ever let myaelf forget that; yes I may have been scarred and changed in some ways, but guess what? I GOT OUT!! I ended what would have been a vicious spiral to my death honestly. Yes, I may struggle to sleep some days, but atleast I don’t ever have to wake up to someone hitting me anymore. Theres no more waking up being scared if todays the day I will die? No more being strangled and wondering if this is the time, i won’t be able to get her off me and she’ll go on that little bit longer and kill me. IM FREE. 

I may not have as many materialistic things like I did then. Yes, my jewellery, my electronics, my personal stuff are gone. Yes, I have downsized and live in a smaller place now. But the truth is, I left a two bedroom prison to finally have a one bedroom home. So I didn’t really lose, couldn’t have. In our sadness we always do this, we fail to see all the things we have and instead fixate on all that we don’t have. I have so much more than those materialistic things, I have the freedom to do anything. To write, to sleep, to eat, to cry, but most importantly to feel safe in my own home. I may have lost everything and feel like i failed, but I saved my daughter and myself, so have I really failed? I may have had to sacrifice a little of my present, sure, but at least now i know me and my daughter actually have a future. One i’ll be alive, healthy and with her for 🙂

So yes, it is hard when we are down and its so easy to remember how much we have lost but just remember how much you’ve achieved also. We don’t give ourselves enough credit! We have been to and through our own hells and back, and yet here we are, alive, breathing and getting on with life in some shape or form.  So we are already winning, by just being here. Never forget that!

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