I know i haven’t blogged in a while, and the last time i typed up and entire post- it refreshed itself and went a minute before i pressed the publish button. The truth is: I’m breaking more and more each day. With every moment that passes I lose control over my mind, my thoughts take over my mind.
The more I try to put the past behind me, the more i remember. Every day I remember a new memory, and it’s never a nice one. I remember another thing that hurt me, another thing i repressed and it’s killing me. It’s hollowing me inside. I have so much within me that I will explode. I want to scream and shout. I want to go up to every single person that has hurt me and tell them how badly they hurt me. Tell everyone who is accountable to the fact that I’m such a broken person, that they wronged me and now i die bit by bit inside because of them. Their ‘jokes’, taunts and teases were never funny.
But the truth is, I’m scared. I’m scared that when I tell them, they’ll all get out of it, it was never my fault what happened, but somehow it was always an ‘accident’, ‘unintentional’ or ‘just a joke’ but never does anyone say, ‘we thought it was a joke, but we did you wrong and we apologise’ . No, I know the people who have hurt me, either they are too close- and I’ll lose them forever and I don’t want to, or they’ll say they never meant to and cop-out of it like they always do.
All I want to say is, my pain was never fake, nor was it ever an attention seeking act. Instead the truth is- I was suffering, and still am.
Sorry for ranting and venting so much- I just had to get it off my chest- and t