This was the last post I did on my blog, and i’ve wanted to take it down for a long time. Because no matter how much I wanna be personal and talk about myself, that website was just not the place. So this is the post, if you relate, please comment or reach out:
I have a lot on my mind and i need to get it out, and i think maybe i can word this right. I am going to try my hardest to get this as accurate as I can, but as I’ll explain throughout this post, it is very hard and thus if I make no sense, I’m sorry. This may just be more a rant than an advice and I’m sorry if i trigger someone. I really am sorry.
What is depression? Depression is where there’s a sinking feeling in my chest alongside a heaviness that you can’t really explain. It’s just this horrible feeling; i think its called sadness. I think it’s a paradox, that you have a heaviness within you, so much pain and sadness in you but at the same time I have never felt more empty. Like there’s nothing within you. you want to cry almost all the time, but at the same time, you refuse to let yourself cry. Your eyes keep welling with tears but you don’t want to let them fall.You do everything you can to stop them, but sometimes you’re too slow and you fail. It’s not that you’re scared of tears or think crying is a sign of weakness, rather you hate crying because once you start, y9ou just can’t stop. They keep falling and there’s nothing you can do. You don’t cry because I have one problem, you may have many, but sometimes you have no problems, not at that day or time, but that never stops the pain you live with every minute of the day.
But the worst part is, who do you tell? There are only two things that happen: either they don’t understand yet try, the key word being: TRY- to help and just get worried. Or the other is: they don’t know what to do, so they just leave it but still worry. The worst is, they worry. They always worry. The guilt that comes with it is immense, you hate yourself for making people worry, but you also hate yourself for feeling that way. You hate the fact that you can’t tell them, you try, you really want to tell them, but you can’t, the words just die at tip of your tongue, you open your mouth to get the words out, but your throat goes try. It’s like you’ve forgotten how to speak. Your thoughts aren’t coherent. So you close your mouth and stay quiet. You look out into the middle of nowhere and just think. Of how you could phrase the pain, how could you say it? What would you say? Anyone that looks on thinks you’re daydreaming, spacing out. But no one really knows the war that goes on within you.
And that’s depression… i know it’s so hard to reach out, sometimes you just need a hug, someone to hold you, or at least distract you so that you can keep the thoughts at bay, and that’s enough most the times because asking someone to explain what’s wrong may be stupid because it’s so hard to get the words out, so I’m here if you just need to distract your thoughts, even for a while.
Contact me on:
twitter- @rabzmap
email: rabzmap@hotmail.co.uk