I don’t know…

Hi people of the internet,

I sit in the college canteen, surrounded by swarms of people but i truly feel alone. Theres a lump in my throat as I suppress the compulsive urge to cry. Why it is i can easily type the pain i feel? Tell you all about the suffering i feel, but somehow when i open my mouth to tell the people around me, my mouth refuses to open, it runs dry. Right now, i’m sitting with two amazing people, they’re talking about how ‘selfless’ i am, how there should be more people like me. NO! DONT! it’s not true. the world shouldn’t be like me, they shouldn’t be weak like me.

I said that wrong. I’m not weak, but neither am i strong enough. I can feel a panic attack coming along but i try to suppress it. I am suppressing so much, theres only a matter for time before i explode. I want to scream. The tears threaten to fall, and i don’t know anymore. Whats worse? crying? or the panic attack threatening to happen? OR screaming? I’m scared. I’ve started restricting my eating once again. I don’t want to eat, I want that control back on my life but it scares me, I crave that control so much, probably more than before. This feeling isn’t normal, right? I’m scared, I’m so scared it’s back again. That I will soon go back into that obsessive cycle, where eating will scare me, but tempt me at the same time. Food is like a seductress dressed in scanty clothes prancing around the lustful men, teasing them, wanting them to want her and laughing at the craving and longing she sees within their eyes.

How is possible to feel so much, yet so empty at the same? Depression never comes invited. Why/ social norms require you give prior notice to someone before going to their house. So why does depression storm into my body uninvited, but not only does it come uninvited, it brings along with it, its cousin: anxiety. Together they ruin my body, the way children do when they throw a tantrum. Why don’t they listen to me? They’ve extended the time of hospitality,it’s now time to leave. But do I want them to leave? I loathe how much I love it, because beyond it is, the unknown… the loneliness, an emptiness worse than this. I have known this to be a part of me for so long, when it leaves what will I be? Who will i be? my depression and anxiety have become my identity, so without it, who am i really?

I am so confused. Someone help. Please.

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